I Feel My Life Being Laid Out for Me…

I’m scared. Worried. Frustrated. Sad. Almost angry, but not quite. More so scared. Almost depressed.

After graduating from college this coming year, my life has  pretty much been laid out for me for the next 2-3 years. I would rather not come back to my home town (San Jose), but my parents would want me to in order to save back the money that I have used for the past 4 years being away at UC San Diego. That, I totally understand, but it’s just a VERY hard pill for me to swallow because I never imagined coming back “home,” but who does you know? I mean I left home to literally go to the other end of California to get away from the restraints I’ve always had on me, but now that freedom is soon coming to an end and I’m going to once again have shackles put on me. My parents WANT me to come home and find a job somewhere in the Bay Area, to live at home, and pretty much do their bidding. Everything would be perfectly fine if I didn’t have to do their bidding. Once I come home, I have to adhere to a strict lifestyle. Even though I say lifestyle, it’s more like following what my dad wants. I try at school, but it is hard to eat healthy all the time while working and doing a lot of other things at the same time. I did enjoy looking and feeling good during summer and I think I’m doing ok right now, but of course there’s a certain way I have to look to adhere to my dad’s expectations and that’s bullshit. I’m fucking (sorry for the language) 21 for pete’s sake. Yes, when I say that, it does make me sound really immature, but it’s true. I should be able to make my own decisions and live my own life. Yes I know you just want what’s best and for me to have a good life and for me to be happy, but it makes me not happy when you want what makes YOU happier. I mean I know I’m not at my best now (weight wise/body wise), but it is a lot better than before in the past few years I’ve been at school I feel. I’m trying my best to maintain a healthy/decent lifestyle. It really is harder though when all you I do is go to school and go to work and extracurriculars, you know? I know it’ll be a lot different after I graduate and just go to work and whatnot though, but that’s what I’m afraid of.

I’m afraid of having to follow my dad’s expectations and be unhappy for the next 2-3 years. I’m afraid that I’m going to be stuck babysitting/pretty much doing everything with my sister. I’m afraid that will mean I will not be able to live my life. I’m afraid that… I will end up alone and being depressed for the next few years. I am standing here typing all of this wanting to cry. I understand what my dad wants for me, but what do I want for myself? What do I expect from myself?

It really just makes me want to cry out in frustration. It makes me feel weak when I feel this way, but I know that it doesn’t mean that I am a weak person, it just means that I have feelings? I guess..? Lol. I mean it makes me human right? I mean I am only human after all.


The Calm Before the Storm

I still feel like the storm blew through here this weekend though. It might have been pre-finals/dead week before today (the day finals started), but crap went down this weekend, good and bad. So to document my clubbing experience this weekend, it was interesting, weird, and partly good? I have no idea how I would being to describe my feelings about this past weekend because I’m not too sure how I felt at the end of the night either.

This past Saturday was one of my housemate’s birthdays and although finals were coming up, she wanted to go out, so she, my roommate, her boyfriend, and I ended up going clubbing. I didn’t feel too bad just because I had already studied for my final for Monday already so I allowed myself a night out before shit really hit the fan (excuse my language).

When we got there, it wasn’t too packed considering it was before finals week and the DJ wasn’t as well known so we decided to check out the different floors and to see what was going on on each floor. My housemate also wanted another drink because it was her birthday, so we went to the rooftop and I saw one of my favorite bartenders at the club (more on this later…). I said hi and my roommate bought a drink for my housemate. I didn’t really want one yet because it was too early to drink and I was trying not to drink as much as I used to so I just waited until the girls plus guy finished their drinks or felt good enough to go back downstairs to dance. We went back to dance on the very first floor because that’s usually where it’s the most “crazy,” so we danced for a bit.

For me, I wasn’t really there to look or find guys to dance with, I just wanted a relieve from studying and the responsibilities that awaited for me the moment I left the club that night. My housemate whose birthday it was wanted otherwise and we tried to find someone for her, but she’s as picky as I am, so it could be a bit difficult. After dancing a while, it just started to smell weird on the dance floor, so I wanted to leave and we left and somehow in between walking off the dance floor and going upstairs to the second, my roommate and her boyfriend ended up in an argument. I wanted a drink so I just kept going up to the rooftop where my bartender friend was (note: I was with my slightly intoxicated birthday housemate). I got my favorite drink and I noticed that the two were arguing over something and it just irked me because they could not leave their issues at home for literally one night and have fun. This has happened the past 2 times that I’ve gone out with them and for me it’s just ridiculous, selfish, and childish. The past two times, we went out because it was my first time at each place and they couldn’t leave their shit at home for us to enjoy ourselves. The thing with me is that I’m too observant of a person so I notice these things; sometimes I wish I didn’t, but I do and sometimes those things tend to irk or irritate me and it takes my fun mood away. So as they were arguing, we were just waiting for them to finish talking or yelling it out whatever. They finished and we went back downstairs to dance for a bit, but they kept arguing while we were walking, so they went somewhere and we lost them. My housemate and I ended up on the 2nd floor at the little island they have set up near the railings, and just stood there enjoying the music. A few minutes later, two guys approach us and talk to us and one of the guys, let me tell you (this will be in another post when I have time), he tried to approach us a few weeks ago and this time he was just creepy and annoying once again. He even yelled out to us on the rooftop that he wasn’t creepy as we were practically running away from him. I don’t know if he knows if that’s any indication that he shouldn’t approach us and there are plenty more ladies to approach because we were rude anyway, but yeah… So he and his friend approached us. I was hesitant because usually when guys come up to talk to me, I’m honestly not too interested so I’m not as eager to speak with them and for them to speak with me (unfortunately, I’m a rude bitch in all honesty sometimes lol, sorry guys); however, his friend was very nice and didn’t try to do anything with me which I enjoyed. He was just trying to have a conversation with me and I really appreciated that. At the end, we were feeling the music and he did a little spin with me and I thought it was adorable. To note also, he was one of the more attractive guys in my eyes who has approached me as of late, so it sort of brought my interest level up.

I mean I shouldn’t be so shallow because some of these guys could be some really good, cool guys who could be good friends; however, so far, I really haven’t gotten a good vibe from them other than wanting to hit on me, so I just end up being a real big bitch lol.

Continuing on, they left and my roommate found us and saved our housemate from the other awkward, semi-creepy guy from a few weeks ago and we went back downstairs and they got another drink and we went to the dance floor to dance. i don’t know what happened in between then again, but they disappeared probably to argue again so it was my housemate and I. We were going to go up to the rooftop to see my bartender friend and because I wanted another drink, but some guy called out to her, so we stopped or I stopped to see where she was and I walked back. I felt like the awkward turtle because I was third wheeling, but he offered to buy a drink and insisted, so I couldn’t refuse then. We got another drink and I downed that drink so quickly because I just wanted to leave and be by myself in all honesty. I knew I was pretty coherent and did not have that much to drink that night, so I went upstairs to the rooftop and asked my bartender friend to make me a surprise drink so he did and it was pretty good. He asked about how it was going and we just had a normal conversation. I think I was just irritated and wanted to spill my feelings and guts so I ended up telling him what was going on that night, or partially with my roommate and her boyfriend and it was just sort of nice having a guy listen even though he’s working (or pretend to give an actual shit about a customer whose just probably drunk spewing her guts out lol, whatever). it was nice even if he was pretending and wasn’t really listening. Then as I was standing there chatting, him working, some girls came up and she started talking to me and ordered some drinks and somehow I don’t know how, but she ended up getting REALLY drunk and saying some interesting things like how cute my bartender friend was and a bunch of other stuff and I was just standing there laughing because it was so funny. I also had to help her with writing a tip and signing the tab because she really couldn’t write. It was really interesting because I felt like this would end up happening to me.

Anyway, I stayed with her the rest of the night because I didn’t want to leave her by herself and it would be wrong to with a lot of drunk guys and just drunk people in general. She was too drunk to find her friends anyway, so I helped her find her friends even though it got sort of hard taking care of her. She did not have her phone on her because it was dead nor did her friend have hers because hers was dead too, so we had no way of contacting them to know where they were. At the end when they kicked us out, we just waited outside and we ended up eventually finding them. Thank goodness. So that was my night. I have more experiences and nights to tell you of, so stay tuned if you’re actually interested.

PS (fun fact): My roommate’s boyfriend and my housemate ended up being casualties to the toilet after getting back home, so all in all, she had a fun birthday night.