I’m scared. Worried. Frustrated. Sad. Almost angry, but not quite. More so scared. Almost depressed.
After graduating from college this coming year, my life has pretty much been laid out for me for the next 2-3 years. I would rather not come back to my home town (San Jose), but my parents would want me to in order to save back the money that I have used for the past 4 years being away at UC San Diego. That, I totally understand, but it’s just a VERY hard pill for me to swallow because I never imagined coming back “home,” but who does you know? I mean I left home to literally go to the other end of California to get away from the restraints I’ve always had on me, but now that freedom is soon coming to an end and I’m going to once again have shackles put on me. My parents WANT me to come home and find a job somewhere in the Bay Area, to live at home, and pretty much do their bidding. Everything would be perfectly fine if I didn’t have to do their bidding. Once I come home, I have to adhere to a strict lifestyle. Even though I say lifestyle, it’s more like following what my dad wants. I try at school, but it is hard to eat healthy all the time while working and doing a lot of other things at the same time. I did enjoy looking and feeling good during summer and I think I’m doing ok right now, but of course there’s a certain way I have to look to adhere to my dad’s expectations and that’s bullshit. I’m fucking (sorry for the language) 21 for pete’s sake. Yes, when I say that, it does make me sound really immature, but it’s true. I should be able to make my own decisions and live my own life. Yes I know you just want what’s best and for me to have a good life and for me to be happy, but it makes me not happy when you want what makes YOU happier. I mean I know I’m not at my best now (weight wise/body wise), but it is a lot better than before in the past few years I’ve been at school I feel. I’m trying my best to maintain a healthy/decent lifestyle. It really is harder though when all you I do is go to school and go to work and extracurriculars, you know? I know it’ll be a lot different after I graduate and just go to work and whatnot though, but that’s what I’m afraid of.
I’m afraid of having to follow my dad’s expectations and be unhappy for the next 2-3 years. I’m afraid that I’m going to be stuck babysitting/pretty much doing everything with my sister. I’m afraid that will mean I will not be able to live my life. I’m afraid that… I will end up alone and being depressed for the next few years. I am standing here typing all of this wanting to cry. I understand what my dad wants for me, but what do I want for myself? What do I expect from myself?
It really just makes me want to cry out in frustration. It makes me feel weak when I feel this way, but I know that it doesn’t mean that I am a weak person, it just means that I have feelings? I guess..? Lol. I mean it makes me human right? I mean I am only human after all.