I Feel My Life Being Laid Out for Me…

I’m scared. Worried. Frustrated. Sad. Almost angry, but not quite. More so scared. Almost depressed.

After graduating from college this coming year, my life has  pretty much been laid out for me for the next 2-3 years. I would rather not come back to my home town (San Jose), but my parents would want me to in order to save back the money that I have used for the past 4 years being away at UC San Diego. That, I totally understand, but it’s just a VERY hard pill for me to swallow because I never imagined coming back “home,” but who does you know? I mean I left home to literally go to the other end of California to get away from the restraints I’ve always had on me, but now that freedom is soon coming to an end and I’m going to once again have shackles put on me. My parents WANT me to come home and find a job somewhere in the Bay Area, to live at home, and pretty much do their bidding. Everything would be perfectly fine if I didn’t have to do their bidding. Once I come home, I have to adhere to a strict lifestyle. Even though I say lifestyle, it’s more like following what my dad wants. I try at school, but it is hard to eat healthy all the time while working and doing a lot of other things at the same time. I did enjoy looking and feeling good during summer and I think I’m doing ok right now, but of course there’s a certain way I have to look to adhere to my dad’s expectations and that’s bullshit. I’m fucking (sorry for the language) 21 for pete’s sake. Yes, when I say that, it does make me sound really immature, but it’s true. I should be able to make my own decisions and live my own life. Yes I know you just want what’s best and for me to have a good life and for me to be happy, but it makes me not happy when you want what makes YOU happier. I mean I know I’m not at my best now (weight wise/body wise), but it is a lot better than before in the past few years I’ve been at school I feel. I’m trying my best to maintain a healthy/decent lifestyle. It really is harder though when all you I do is go to school and go to work and extracurriculars, you know? I know it’ll be a lot different after I graduate and just go to work and whatnot though, but that’s what I’m afraid of.

I’m afraid of having to follow my dad’s expectations and be unhappy for the next 2-3 years. I’m afraid that I’m going to be stuck babysitting/pretty much doing everything with my sister. I’m afraid that will mean I will not be able to live my life. I’m afraid that… I will end up alone and being depressed for the next few years. I am standing here typing all of this wanting to cry. I understand what my dad wants for me, but what do I want for myself? What do I expect from myself?

It really just makes me want to cry out in frustration. It makes me feel weak when I feel this way, but I know that it doesn’t mean that I am a weak person, it just means that I have feelings? I guess..? Lol. I mean it makes me human right? I mean I am only human after all.

 

Let’s Press Rewind

Remember when I said that I’d explain my bartender friend at the club I frequent? Well, I guess that time is now since I’m home for the holidays. So, he’s just a friend, the bartender that I know; I just happen to find him very attractive. First time I met him was when I went to the club for the second time I believe. I usually just go to the bar to get a drink… (and ok, I guess to check out some of the bartenders too, no lie)…

ANYWAY, my cousin spotted him first and then my friend who came with us and I spotted him and I said to my friend (my little in one of my organizations) oh my freaking gosh, he is one of the most gorgeous guys I’ve ever seen, like if you could draw up my ideal guy in terms of physical appearances, he would be him, like oh my. This guy IS really gorgeous and just all-around good looking. I really have no other words or ways to describe the feeling that I had the first time I saw him. My cousin and my roommate approached him first, to get water or drinks, I don’t know and I have no clue what they said to him, but after a while I ended up going up to him. In all honesty, I don’t remember how that happened because that night was… well let’s just say I was more than my usual level of intoxication and it ended up being a night that I sort of didn’t want to think about nor remember. Moving on… I went up to him and asked for his name and introduced myself and just stared having a “normal” conversation with him (as normal as a conversation at a busy bar could get). I also spoke with another bartender, but I wasn’t as enamored by him as I was by this one. This one just caught my interest, not only with his good looks and his charm, but by just having a normal conversation with me when he could. After that night, I was super hooked and hoped to see him again the next time we came to the club. Also after that night, apparently I decided to become a stalker and add both bartenders on Facebook. I really had no recollection of doing this at all until the next morning. Even after looking at my phone and going “when the heck did I add them??” didn’t really ring a bell. It was only after my cousin came over to grab something of hers that it hit me that I did it while we were sitting in the Uber. Oops haha.. Guess I really did end up doing it. What a stalker.

After that, I still couldn’t believe I did it. It’s just I don’t end up doing things like that, but I guess with a little bit of liquid luck (or a lot of it) it tends to make you do things you wouldn’t really do. Oh well, not that big of a deal anyway, probably happens to them all the time.

So, I didn’t see him until the next time we went and he remembered us! I was so shocked and surprised. I mean yes, most bartenders are sober and aren’t allowed to drink on the job, but still there are SOO many people he could remember and he remembered us. So what happened was my cousin was really excited to see if he was there working or not and when she saw that he was, she wanted to do this heart thing with her hands that he did last time and she wanted me to come up after her so it wouldn’t look weird. I mean I was going up whether or not she wanted me to, I’d just go on my terms and not hers since she’s the one who wanted to do it anyway. Sounds harsh of me, but I was like eh, you can do it since he did it last time, you’re going with your friend anyway. So after a bit, I came up after them and he saw me before I even came up to the bar and gave me a cute little wave. I legit practically died right then and there on the rooftop of the club haha. It was just so cute and he remembered me like (internal girl screaming). He just asked how school was and what we were doing. Then I just told the girls to get drinks so we could let him work. After doing our thing, I wanted my own drink so I came back and he tried to find me a drink ticket which was really sweet and which he didn’t have to do  but he did  anyway. He apologized that he didn’t have any, and it was no problem with me paying for the drink. We had a little conversation and he asked about what we were up to that night or what else we were going to do, my day etc, a normal conversation like we have every time. I mean it’s a bar, what else could you talk about really without others hearing haha. It was nice though, even though he went to go fulfill other drink orders, he’d apologize and try to come back to talk to us. I didn’t mind because that’s his job, no need to apologize you know? We also met another bartender that night and he was really sweet as well (to add on). So as the night progressed, I just moved from floor to floor as always, but I always end up at the bar to talk to him before I leave, so I just ended up at the bar, but some guy was trying to talk and hit on me and the new bartender was trying to hook his friend up, but I was really not interested in the guy so I just tried to keep the conversation going, but I really couldn’t (sorry!). So the night ended and I said bye to my friend. Agh too cute.

The next time we came (yes, I realize now how much we go to the SAME club all the time, it’s really sad actually), was a few weeks after and I think this was just recently for my housemate’s birthday and we saw him and he just looked tired. It was a slow night according to him, and it was a really slow night compared to other nights we’ve come. This was that stupid night my roommate and her boyfriend argued over something so stupid. Anyway, moving along otherwise I’m going to blow up again over that stupid thing, we just got drinks, got my housemate really intoxicated (I mean it’s her birthday right?), and got hit on and that whole fun jazz. I think this was the night I asked for his snapchat at the end, because I mean why not right? Like I can be friends with him and whatnot outside of the customer/bartender relationship. Oh, he was also really sweet and comped me that night. I thought that was really sweet and I hoped that he didn’t think I wanted to get to know him or talk to him just because I wanted free drinks or something lol. Anyway, that happened.

Next encounter was last week’s after finals, but I’m pretty sure I mentioned the night in my other post already (Red is the Color of Sin), but in case y’all forgot or even I forgot what I typed and told y’all, we went, did the same thing (whoop-dee-doo) and he just asked about finals and I told him that I passed 2 out of 3 of my finals for sure already and he said something about, “you got it babes or babe or something,” I don’t know. (what type of guy uses that on girls not his girlfriend?) Anyway, we just had small talk since it was his finals and I always tell him to surprise me with drinks now to not drink the same thing and he hasn’t disappointed me yet! He gave us one drink ticket and couldn’t give us more, but it was fine because he always does a lot for us anyway. So small talk, and we ended up leaving early that night, so we said bye to him and what bugged me that night was that my cousin and my housemate didn’t really get the hint that I just wanted to have a one-on-one conversation with him and not a conversation with all of them. It just.. ruins the moment. So yeah, it was a really irritating night like I mentioned in my other post. But yeah… That’s him… bartender friend… and now for the FUN part…

Spoiler… He has a girlfriend. Wow, not that much of a shocker if you ever see him in person lol. But yeah once I found that out (not through him, but by.. various means…) (Sorry, I can be stalker-ish guys). Anywho, I was so… disappointed. Like I’m usually disappointed anyhow, but this time I was like SUPER disappointed. It confused and annoyed me because I am NOT usually disappointed for that long or THAT disappointed over some guy with a girlfriend. But I don’t know.. I mean I haven’t really spoken with him outside of a club scene, but he seems like a goofy, great guy and I want to see if that observation is true. So it just disappoints me I don’t really get that opportunity to find out. 😦 Like I’m truly sad. It just boggles me why I was so infatuated/attracted to him even after finding out that fact. I mean nothing is going to change. It’ll be nice to just become really good friends with him (if he doesn’t think I’m some creepy or annoying person from snapchatting him often) lol… I mean I think it’s just the fact that he’s gorgeous and goofy which attracts me still to him and those two things make for a dangerous combination… Anyway, I’m still honestly sometimes really disappointed, but it’s ok, sighs, that’s life yeah? I mean that new bartender I met who mentioned the other place where he works is good looking with possibly a good personality too so we’ll see. 🙂 Anyway that is the low down on things with the bartender friend. Until next time.

 

Au revoir mes amours (sorry if I totally killed the translation and grammar)

 

 

Treading on Dangerous Territory

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you’re willing to cross some lines to get it? That’s how I’m feeling at the moment. What I’m feeling and what I’m thinking are such bad things. I feel like the worst person on the face of the planet. I’ve never felt this way and I don’t want to feel this way again. I know that we’re just human and we can have these human emotions, but it just makes me feel so.. unnatural and sinful… I don’t know what to do sometimes… I would not, I won’t say never, but not cross that line because that’s not me. I won’t judge anyone for whatever they’ve done, bad or good because we’re all just humans. We can’t help how we feel sometimes. I just wish I didn’t feel the way that I do because it’s not me… It just isn’t. Can’t these feelings stop?

Red is the Color of Sin

Now that finals are over and I’m on winter break, I finally have some time to spill all of my guts (gross, I know). Just kidding though. It just means I have more time to write about my experiences, give advice, and read and write book reviews.

So last night was a weird night. I feel like every night I go out now is a weird night and that that I end up being the mom who has the stick up her ass and who is too uptight to let loose and have fun lol.

Anyway, we went clubbing again, same club we usually go to (we really have to find some new places to go to, we’re becoming regulars) and we got in fine last night.

Got in there and tried to find some of the bartenders we knew to say hi. They were busy so we just went up and down the floors like always trying to check things out. Ok, I’m going to skip straight to the chase and talk about the shit that happened last night.

First situation: Some guy kept trying to talk to us and invite us over to his table. We said no once and got away. Every time after when we were on the second floor though, he kept coming up to us and we said no each and every time. The last time, he practically followed and grabbed us while we were trying to go up the stairs to the rooftop. Asshole didn’t understand No means no after 10 times and tried to back me into the wall at the foot of the stairs to get us back to his table. We had to get the bouncer standing there to get him off. Situation that should never happen. Ladies AND gentlemen, no means no, no matter what.

Second situation: Same creepy guy from a few weeks ago who yelled out that he wasn’t creepy to my friend came up to us AGAIN and he asked my friend for a kiss on the cheek. She said she felt bad and gave him one. I was like sigh, yet another guy who doesn’t get it. I feel bad for the poor guy, props for his tenacity, but he should’ve gotten the hint too. (I sound harsh, but he’s been approaching us each time)

Third situation: On the rooftop, my cousin and my once again slightly intoxicated housemate were just chilling at the bar, as was I and I was talking to a bartender we semi-knew. Some guys came up to them and the bartender saved the both of them, more so my cousin since she was the one being super hit on. This part was SUPER sweet and made my swoon in my heels. He said that my cousin was his girlfriend and grabbed her hand and gave her a kiss on her hand. I was like oh my freaking gosh, what is going on right now like he is just TOO sweet. He saved her a few more times and I honestly was like wow this guy is so gallant and charming haha. He even asked her to brunch, but she’s taken at the moment right now, so unfortunately for him, he was out of luck 😦 super sweet of him still though! Such a nice guy.

Fourth situation: A guy from Japan came up to me and started talking to me, nice enough, but definitely not my type. He did ask for my Facebook, but I really don’t currently go on it so I told him I don’t really use it. I did like how he thought I had good fashion even though I was just wearing a simple, normal going out dress in my opinion. Nice of him to sort of compliment me in a off-hand way though. Very smooth.

So no more situations, but other occurrences that happened throughout the night included a guy asking me to dance, but me saying no. One of the bouncers remembering me from last week because he told everyone to leave at the end and not come back, but kiddingly, I said I would just because he said that. He said that he recognized me, but something was different and he said it was the dress color that made me look good and my hair was more curly or something along those lines. He was nice, but once again, I’m just the pickiest girl as fuck (excuse my language). Yeah, in all honesty, that’s all I remember that happened that was of significance I guess you san say? Oh and I met another bartender whom I think is really good looking. He recognized me, of course, because I’ve been going often. Told me if I go to PB on Tuesdays, he works at a certain bar, so we’ll see. He seems really nice and I need more friends now apparently haha. And he is really just good looking in all honesty haha. Also ran into my bartender friend, well we said hi to him and he was nice to make conversation as always. More on that later…

But moving on, lesson learned, I really need to stop going out to clubs or bars or just SOMETHING or I need to go out with different people because like I said, I think I just have a stick up my ass sometimes now and I look really bored when I go out. I feel like I hit the stage of going out and going crazy crazy so long ago and a lot of the people I go with are just hitting that stage and acting like they should for their age. I just feel so old sometimes.. Not mature, just old… I don’t know. It’s hard for me to relate to people my age sometimes now because I just feel like I can’t understand their mindset… I’m really not too sure. I still have friends my age, but there are certain people that really get on my nerves and it’s probably the same for them with me. Sigh, I honestly only went to this club because I enjoyed the music a decent amount and my bartender friend is nice. I also like talking to the other bartenders when I can and when they’re not working so that’s nice. I think I like doing my own thing too sometimes. I feel like I’m suffocating when I go out with other people sometimes because we all want to do different things and go different places. I also feel like the mom who has to make sure nothing happens and no one gets into trouble so that’s why I have a stick up my ass at times. So sometimes, it’s bad, but I do like to venture out on my own. I guess I really just like talking to bartenders too. The bartender friend is really good looking too so guess that’s why I enjoy talking to him. Oh yeah, I forgot, my cousin offended and annoyed me last night because she said I act like her when I don’t drink and I’m like what the fuck do you mean? She meant awkward and whatnot and I was like uh no. I don’t need that shit (alcohol) to be all happy and stuff, I just don’t really want to be in this specific area right now and yes you girls can have fun and dance all around and whatnot I guess I just have a stick up my ass tonight and every night now thank you. I guess I didn’t like the comparison because we are like day and night, sun and moon, not really alike even though we are actually related. I really just didn’t feel comfortable last night and idk ugh. I can’t say much more, but yeah that’s all that happened. Sorry if it’s really weird and stuttered sounding. Anyway, until next time!

Au revoir loves.

The Calm Before the Storm

I still feel like the storm blew through here this weekend though. It might have been pre-finals/dead week before today (the day finals started), but crap went down this weekend, good and bad. So to document my clubbing experience this weekend, it was interesting, weird, and partly good? I have no idea how I would being to describe my feelings about this past weekend because I’m not too sure how I felt at the end of the night either.

This past Saturday was one of my housemate’s birthdays and although finals were coming up, she wanted to go out, so she, my roommate, her boyfriend, and I ended up going clubbing. I didn’t feel too bad just because I had already studied for my final for Monday already so I allowed myself a night out before shit really hit the fan (excuse my language).

When we got there, it wasn’t too packed considering it was before finals week and the DJ wasn’t as well known so we decided to check out the different floors and to see what was going on on each floor. My housemate also wanted another drink because it was her birthday, so we went to the rooftop and I saw one of my favorite bartenders at the club (more on this later…). I said hi and my roommate bought a drink for my housemate. I didn’t really want one yet because it was too early to drink and I was trying not to drink as much as I used to so I just waited until the girls plus guy finished their drinks or felt good enough to go back downstairs to dance. We went back to dance on the very first floor because that’s usually where it’s the most “crazy,” so we danced for a bit.

For me, I wasn’t really there to look or find guys to dance with, I just wanted a relieve from studying and the responsibilities that awaited for me the moment I left the club that night. My housemate whose birthday it was wanted otherwise and we tried to find someone for her, but she’s as picky as I am, so it could be a bit difficult. After dancing a while, it just started to smell weird on the dance floor, so I wanted to leave and we left and somehow in between walking off the dance floor and going upstairs to the second, my roommate and her boyfriend ended up in an argument. I wanted a drink so I just kept going up to the rooftop where my bartender friend was (note: I was with my slightly intoxicated birthday housemate). I got my favorite drink and I noticed that the two were arguing over something and it just irked me because they could not leave their issues at home for literally one night and have fun. This has happened the past 2 times that I’ve gone out with them and for me it’s just ridiculous, selfish, and childish. The past two times, we went out because it was my first time at each place and they couldn’t leave their shit at home for us to enjoy ourselves. The thing with me is that I’m too observant of a person so I notice these things; sometimes I wish I didn’t, but I do and sometimes those things tend to irk or irritate me and it takes my fun mood away. So as they were arguing, we were just waiting for them to finish talking or yelling it out whatever. They finished and we went back downstairs to dance for a bit, but they kept arguing while we were walking, so they went somewhere and we lost them. My housemate and I ended up on the 2nd floor at the little island they have set up near the railings, and just stood there enjoying the music. A few minutes later, two guys approach us and talk to us and one of the guys, let me tell you (this will be in another post when I have time), he tried to approach us a few weeks ago and this time he was just creepy and annoying once again. He even yelled out to us on the rooftop that he wasn’t creepy as we were practically running away from him. I don’t know if he knows if that’s any indication that he shouldn’t approach us and there are plenty more ladies to approach because we were rude anyway, but yeah… So he and his friend approached us. I was hesitant because usually when guys come up to talk to me, I’m honestly not too interested so I’m not as eager to speak with them and for them to speak with me (unfortunately, I’m a rude bitch in all honesty sometimes lol, sorry guys); however, his friend was very nice and didn’t try to do anything with me which I enjoyed. He was just trying to have a conversation with me and I really appreciated that. At the end, we were feeling the music and he did a little spin with me and I thought it was adorable. To note also, he was one of the more attractive guys in my eyes who has approached me as of late, so it sort of brought my interest level up.

I mean I shouldn’t be so shallow because some of these guys could be some really good, cool guys who could be good friends; however, so far, I really haven’t gotten a good vibe from them other than wanting to hit on me, so I just end up being a real big bitch lol.

Continuing on, they left and my roommate found us and saved our housemate from the other awkward, semi-creepy guy from a few weeks ago and we went back downstairs and they got another drink and we went to the dance floor to dance. i don’t know what happened in between then again, but they disappeared probably to argue again so it was my housemate and I. We were going to go up to the rooftop to see my bartender friend and because I wanted another drink, but some guy called out to her, so we stopped or I stopped to see where she was and I walked back. I felt like the awkward turtle because I was third wheeling, but he offered to buy a drink and insisted, so I couldn’t refuse then. We got another drink and I downed that drink so quickly because I just wanted to leave and be by myself in all honesty. I knew I was pretty coherent and did not have that much to drink that night, so I went upstairs to the rooftop and asked my bartender friend to make me a surprise drink so he did and it was pretty good. He asked about how it was going and we just had a normal conversation. I think I was just irritated and wanted to spill my feelings and guts so I ended up telling him what was going on that night, or partially with my roommate and her boyfriend and it was just sort of nice having a guy listen even though he’s working (or pretend to give an actual shit about a customer whose just probably drunk spewing her guts out lol, whatever). it was nice even if he was pretending and wasn’t really listening. Then as I was standing there chatting, him working, some girls came up and she started talking to me and ordered some drinks and somehow I don’t know how, but she ended up getting REALLY drunk and saying some interesting things like how cute my bartender friend was and a bunch of other stuff and I was just standing there laughing because it was so funny. I also had to help her with writing a tip and signing the tab because she really couldn’t write. It was really interesting because I felt like this would end up happening to me.

Anyway, I stayed with her the rest of the night because I didn’t want to leave her by herself and it would be wrong to with a lot of drunk guys and just drunk people in general. She was too drunk to find her friends anyway, so I helped her find her friends even though it got sort of hard taking care of her. She did not have her phone on her because it was dead nor did her friend have hers because hers was dead too, so we had no way of contacting them to know where they were. At the end when they kicked us out, we just waited outside and we ended up eventually finding them. Thank goodness. So that was my night. I have more experiences and nights to tell you of, so stay tuned if you’re actually interested.

PS (fun fact): My roommate’s boyfriend and my housemate ended up being casualties to the toilet after getting back home, so all in all, she had a fun birthday night.