As I get older

I mean I’m not THAT old now haha. I only just turned 21 as of this year, but as I start to integrate more into adulthood and I guess reality, the “real world,” my thought process starts to change and I just start to think about things in different ways and in a different light. Sometimes I actually find it hard to relate and get along with people even though I have an outgoing and friendly personality. Sometimes I feel as though I’m the old grandma or mom who sort of looks down upon everyone else for their actions even though I used to do the things they do or I still do them. I don’t really look down on them though, it’s more of me observing them and their actions. It just gets me thinking, was I ever like that throughout my 21 years of life? I mean I know I did some of those things, but did I ever do the rest? If I did, then why am I acting like this now? I don’t think I’m above anyone at all for not doing the things they do. They just want to have fun and enjoy life, so why can’t I? Is it because I have to have a substance (alcohol) in me in order to be like that? I don’t want to be the college student who relies on it just to have fun. I just want to be my normal self to have fun. I believe in having fun no matter if you have anything or not. I just realized recently that I’ve moved on from a lot of things. Before I would enjoy just going to a normal, fun house party of some sort; now, I enjoy going out to bars more so and clubbing to have fun. Not only that, but I’m more into older men (not OLDER men, just within my age range all the way to 30 or so). I enjoy maturity more than immaturity, and I enjoy having conversations that don’t have to do too much with what major are you, what college do you go to, what do you enjoy doing on weekends, are you in organizations, etc. I’m just over all of those things. I enjoy deep, meaningful conversations with people who actually want to get to know me and who I want to get to know as well. Sometimes all it takes is a simple hi, how are you, what’s your name for you to be genuine. That’s sort of what I enjoy more so than before. Also, it really is hard for me to relate to others sometimes because when I ask them why they feel a certain way and they explain to me the reason, sometimes it seems very immature to me and it seems that there could be another option they could’ve taken, but I mean everyone’s different. Maybe it’s just telling me that I’m a different person and they’re not the type of people I’m really supposed to be hanging out with or talking to. Not only that, but now, I want to take care of my health and body more as well, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Before, I honestly was just throwing everything away, but now I know that it’s a lifestyle and I need to live out that lifestyle.

Bottom line is that I feel different. I mean in my opinion, every year,  one is supposed to change and feel a little different because you’re not supposed to end up the same as the year before, otherwise it wouldn’t be right. You could be the same and it could be fine, but life is a journey to find yourself. There will always be something you want to change, improve upon, etc, don’t stop there at your journey, continue it and see where you end up. Right now, I’m not too sure where I am, I’m in the process of change which is good. The change is scary, but what change isn’t? In the end, I’m more excited for it than anything.

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